Solar Flare
by AutumnalA
Summary: What if the Cullens hadn't come back into Bella's life when they did? Ultimately Bella and Jacob didn't have the time to build their relationship. What if they had had that time? The thing about being human is that you can grow and change, can become. Not a new concept but hopefully a new and interesting take
1. Chapter 1

Solar Flare

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Ultimately Bella and Jacob didn't have the time to build their relationship. Bella didn't have time to become a person who could love Jacob with all of her heart, who could build a human life. But what if she had had that time. The thing about being human is that you can grow and change, can become. What if Bella had? How would it have changed her future, Jacob's, even Edward's?

A familiar theme but hopefully an interesting take

Part 1 of a three-part trilogy, extending into the post Breaking Dawn timeline.

Prologue: Paris on the Sun

_Wait, _ I wanted to say. _Just a minute. _But I was still locked in place, listening to the echo of Edward's voice in my head. (_New Moon_ 377)

The storm-cooled air was a relief, even as chilled to the bone as I already was.

"Jacob." I wanted to apologize, I wanted to be able to give him what he wanted, what he deserved. He'd given me more than I thought possible. But I couldn't say more than his name.

"Bella, I meant what I said" Jacob met my eyes and I felt that pull again. The pull to take away his pain. Why couldn't this one thing be simple? This one solace for my ripped up heart. "It's fine. Don't worry, don't feel guilty. I know, I know even without you telling me." He looked away. "Now get inside and get warm. And no more cliff diving without adult supervision. I'm officially calling it. Saving from drowning makes me older than you."

I laughed once, painfully, and hoped it only sounded hysterical to myself. I'd really almost died, almost killed myself with my own need to see and hear my beloved. I'd panicked Jacob while he tried to protect me, while Harry Clearwater was dying, while the other werewolves, most of them younger than me were risking their lives.

But could I live without hearing _him_. Without having hope of hearing him? The hole in my chest ached, even in Jacob's diluting presence.

I kissed his cheek, trying to seem like I wasn't just chickening out of really kissing him.

"I'll try, Jake." He smelled clean and like Jacob, while I still smelled like seawater and probably sweat, from falling asleep next to Jacob's furnace of body heat.

I got out of the car and tried not to shiver. I didn't want to make the choice I was going to make.

I didn't believe I could love anyone as I'd loved Edward. I didn't want to let go of Edward. I would never forget Edward. I loved the Cullen family still as my own.

But they were gone. And I couldn't follow. I'd never had a chance of following,.

Jacob wouldn't leave, would stay the just human enough supernatural creature that he was, and stay with me. He loved me.

I didn't know if I could love him. I did love him, in so many ways. He was beautiful, funny, my own sunshine, now a far to cavalier protector. He made me feel alive, whole, sometimes. But when I knew how I'd loved Edward…it didn't seem like enough.

Still…And no voice interrupted this time. Maybe even my hallucinations knew when to give up on advice and just let me muddle through.

_I love you Edward. I will always love you_.

I opened the door of the car again.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"I'll try Jacob"

I stomped down on my thoughts as hard as I could.

I kissed him. My Paris, maybe. My Jacob.

For 2 seconds I kissed his warm, soft, oh so different mouth, then ran into the house slammed the door and managed to catch myself on the coat rack as I slipped on the hall rug.

I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I felt dizzy.

_Coward_.

I expected Jacob to be pounding on the door any second.

I was terrified of it.

But of course, he knew me much too well and I heard the car door click quietly, from where I waited fearfully behind the door, and then nothing.

It didn't make me feel much better.

Vicious vampire, hunting me so she could torture me to death. Check

Dearest (and almost only) friend and more in the world risking his life hunting vampires. Check.

Father hunting werewolves while there were dangerous vampires around. Check.

Love of life gone, and considering possibly ruining the only thing that made my life a life anymore by making a go at a sure to be disastrous relationship? Forcing all that remained of love out of my hollowed out chest for a person I truly loved, if not in exactly the right way?

It was a sign, I think, of how far gone I'd really become that this last item suddenly seemed like the biggest of my problems.

_Well, look on the bright side_. I thought sarcastically to myself (probably also a bad sign for my remaining sanity). _Maybe you'll be brutally murdered tonight, and not have to think about your love life anymore._

Quickly to distract myself from the threat of looming death I had once again brought to the forefront of my mind I went to the kitchen to see about making dinner for Charlie. Who knew when he would be home, but he would need to eat, and it was all I could really do for him, with one of his best friends dead. And I needed to eat too, though the soreness in my throat protested the thought and I poured another glass of water for myself.

Then, restless and trying desperately not to think about Jacob, my best friend who I'd just kissed and then run away from. I cleaned the kitchen. I was getting to work on the living room and thinking about the bathroom when I heard Charlie's pulling up the drive. I ran to the door and out to him as he trudged up the walk looking worn, tired, and old. I hugged him around the middle as tight as I could.

"I'm sorry about Harry, Dad."

"I'm really going to miss him," Charlie mumbled.

"How's Sue doing?"

"She seems dazed, like she hasn't grasped it yet."(_NM_ 393-394)

After dinner, Charlie went up to bed, and I followed, exhausted from almost drowning, and from too many worries.

I tried picturing a small Edward moment (Edward waiting by his car for me), and fell asleep holding myself together.

But I dreamed about Jacob's warm hands pushing water out of my lungs. His warm mouth. His light that was more than the sun. And fire floating on water.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I am not Stephanie Meyer and as such I do not own the Twilight Saga, its characters, settings, or storyline.

Author Notes: Thank you to everyone who read my first chapter. I thought I'd say a couple things about where I am going with this story. Things may seem to be moving quickly, but more than whether or not Bella loves Jacob, this story is about her learning the value of that love, and finding a place in the world as her awkward human self. What I have planned is a three part series. The Cullens will later make an appearance, but for now I want to give Bella a chance to be with Jacob, and to grow as a person, as I believe she was already growing in New Moon. When Edward tells Bella she will forget a move on it always seems insulting to me. But the ability to change, grow, and adapt is truly beautiful, and strong.

Chapter 2

I woke up with an odd, not quite happy, but rested, feeling. By the light coming through the window (weak as Forks' light tends to be) it was later in the morning than I had managed to sleep in a while.

I smelled something cooking, which meant that Charlie was making breakfast, but another whiff confirmed that he was at least sticking to his eggs and bacon repertoire rather than burning down the kitchen.

He looked tired and red eyed when I greeted him in the kitchen, and I felt guilty again for my recklessness the day before, and for the past few months really. He wasn't that young, barely younger than Harry. And he was like me more than I usually remembered. He held onto things.

"Dad…I'm really sorry you know"

"I know Bella. I am too. Sometimes it's just someone's time though, and you can't do anything about it."

"Um…no…well you know, yeah, but" I really hated talking about this, especially with Charlie, a fellow emotion avoider. "I haven't really been…myself lately. But…I'll get better, you know, I'm getting better."

Charlie looked away. "Yeah, I know kiddo. I just worry. You're a bit like the old man. We're stuck in our ways. Not our nature to move on from things…"

Charlie cleared his throat and stepped closer.

"I love you Bells. I just want you to be happy. So…you take your time, I guess, to make that happen. Just. Try, okay?" Looking extremely uncomfortable, Charlie turned to the frying pan on the stove.

"Got breakfast at least. I'll be going to Sue's right after, try and help out if I can, you know. I can drop you by Jake's if you like."

Oh god, Jake. Jake my best friend. Jake, the brightest star in my empty sky of a life. Who I'd kissed without any real idea if I could love him the way he deserved.

"Um…sure, that'd be great" As great as a root canal maybe. But I had to do it. If nothing else, I'd proven I still wasn't doing great on being alone yet. And Jake deserved everything, every effort I could give him.

My plan to be mature, fair and to give Jacob a chance was nearly immediately ruined.

"Bella!" Jake beamed as he swung the door open and Charlie (thank goodness) drove away. It made my heart warm to see his big form smiling my familiar Jacob smile at me.

"Can't….breathe" I gasped, because he'd pulled me into one of his crushing bear hugs. What he did next though, I simply wasn't prepared for.

He leaned in to kiss me.

I was sure I was okay with it. Kissing Jake had been quite nice actually, not awkward like kissing my brother. A bit breath-taking actually, even if he wasn't Edward.

But I couldn't help that in my surprise my first instinct was to pull back in alarm.

It was exactly the wrong thing to do, and I had to deal with both guilt and my odd emotional transference as his face crumpled and my heart squeezed in painful sympathy.

"Oh. Well come in, I guess I don't have to say I've been expecting you." Now he looked bitter and pained, and I felt like a jerk.

It wasn't like I was repulsed or anything. It was just startling, seeing someone's face coming toward mine in that way, and there was still that painful memory of Edward's (painfully) beautiful face. And Jacob was frowning furiously at me through the rain telling me we couldn't be friends. And Jake was telling me he'd never hurt me. And I was torn apart and crying, and I couldn't even tell why anymore because it was both of them. _I'm not good for you. _All I wanted to do was run away from this. _I'm not good enough. Not enough._

"Jake…"

"Yeah, fine. Why don't you just get it over with?" Asked angry bitter Jacob.

"It's really not what you think – Jacob, you know—"

"Yeah, you value me as a friend. You love me, but I'm no _Edward blood-sucker Cullen_."

His words stung, as they had been meant to, and I flinched. It wasn't fair.

"No, you aren't" I replied more sharply than intended. He flinched too, and I felt worse instead of better.

"Jake, I don't mean that. Or I do, but…Look you don't understand at all."

"I understand fine. You felt bad that I've been pining over you and that I saved your stupid life, so you gave me a pity kiss. "

Argh. If he kept this up all I'd end up doing was shouting at the idiot.

"Jake shut up." He scowled harder, and opened his mouth to retort.

"It wasn't pity. And I don't regret it. But we have to talk, and if I punch you in the face it'll probably not help. So just shut up, okay."

His face blanked in a way that disguised his emotion, but I could tell he was listening.

"Look, we both know I'm not…whole, or well, or—you know I'm kind of broken. I don't know if I can change. I don't know if I can be enough for anyone to love anymore." Oh geez, I was going to cry. "You deserve…more" I stopped, to pull back my tears. It was selfish to cry. To think about what would be noble and feel sorry for myself.

Jake's silence and feigned passivity vanished so quickly that it was as if passion, like the wolf, burst out of him.

"I don't understand Bella! Why? Why can't you be whole? What did…Cullen take from you, that you can't even imagine loving me, loving anyone? It's sick, like he was some kind of drug or something, and now you can't get by without him. You're better than that. You're not supposed to—you—he was an idiot, a monster and even if you don't think you're better off—you should do better than pine after him. It makes me sick to think of it. And sometimes I don't even think you mind…you—"

He was breathing hard, and trembling.

I wanted to back away. I didn't want to share Emily's fate, her price for loving a werewolf. I wanted to take him in my arms and take away his hurt. To pull him to me as if I could envelope his giant form and protect it.

"_Move back. Run." _The beautiful voice was there. But this time I didn't listen.

"Jake…" I moved forward, and the voice faded. I wrapped him insufficiently in my skinny arms and felt the trembling jump and then slow.

"I've felt sick." I spoke quietly. It was surprising how easy it was, after all the worry and the stress and the reasoning, to talk to him here hugging his warm chest and looking at the worn carpet.

"I'm still sick Jake. I don't know why. I…loved Edward…I still love him. And it was…I loved them all, the Cullens. I was going to be one of them. Be part of the family. It was like I found a place, where I wasn't too awkward or too "middle-aged", where I fit. And it was perfect. HE, loved _me_. What was I? It made me special. And…being…a vampire…I would be more special, I would be strong and graceful and brave Jake. And together forever…with him, and them."

God I still yearned for that with part of my heart so hard. To be special, and to fit in to a world. To not belong anymore to this world that I felt so unnatural in. It was perfect.

I didn't notice how hard Jake was shaking again, until he tore himself out of my arms and sprinted out of the house.

I ran after him and stood watching as he bent as if in pain, shaking so hard he almost vibrated, breathing heavily as he apparently forced down his impending change.

"You…were…going to be…come a vampire." He gasped. He was in pain. He was exhausted. I moved over to him and fluttered my hands uselessly over his back searching for a way to soothe.

"I wanted to be a Cullen. Not like Victoria, not ever like that."

"You'd be dead Bella. Cold. Dead. You'd kill people if you could. Me, Charlie, oh God. You'd be worse than dead."

"You don't understand. The Cullens—"

"I know, they're "good vampires". You wouldn't be you Bella. You wouldn't blush, you wouldn't trip…" He shook slightly again.

"Please don't say it anymore Bella. I can't bear it. Do you understand? They can go out of control. Smelling blood and all, it's in our stories, our tribe's. Smell blood and it might not matter if you were "good". And if we had to kill…I'll die if I have to, to keep you from being one of them."

His clutching, desperate embrace was a bit tight, but I clung back. I would never believe as he did, that vampires were these monsters, nothing left of their old selves. But I could understand their bloodlust. And I could understand what it might feel like to be Jake's enemy. Someone who would kill him or be killed.

"It doesn't matter now Jake. It doesn't matter, because it won't happen."

We stood like that for a long time.

"Jake. I want to…try. To be with you…I mean, you know like um…well date seems a stupid way to put it…but…" I was a babbling idiot. But Jacob was smiling down at me. He leaned down again and I didn't pull away. His lips were very warm of course, and an odd rushing was coursing through me. Almost painful but still good. And somehow I went on.

"You're my best friend. I love you. I don't know if I can do more. I'm not over…what happened. But I want to try. To…uh…be more."

Jacob frowned just a bit. "I meant when I said I could wait Bella. I won't ever give up on you. I don't want you to try and be with me this way and then regret it because you're still too in love with the leech—sorry vampire, fine _Cullen_. I can wait. And I will."

"No, I want this. I need it. We can just…take it slow." It took more courage than I expected to rise up on my toes to pull him into a kiss.

He sighed out like he was collapsing.

"Damn it Bells. You know I can't refuse you." He sounded happy though, and I smiled.

"My Jacob."

We walked to the beach. His warm hand around mine now saying nothing more than what was absolutely true.

His warm hand heating me from the inside as we sat on that familiar driftwood. His warm eyes looking into mine, unsure but still smiling. His lips warm on mine and his hand scalding into my spine and driving out the cold.

Of course I loved Jacob. Of course I loved him loved him. Not just as a friend, a brother.

But not like Edward. Never like Edward.

But his warmth was filling that emptiness in me.

It wasn't right, a part of me argued, to not be able to love him as much as I knew I could love. But he was here. And he wanted me. He held me together.

He wanted to be with me, and if I could give him that, give him all that I could now that I was broken and torn, that would be enough, wouldn't it?

It would be enough, and I would hold together, not tear apart again, more.

And suddenly I was kissing Jacob desperately, almost violently clutching at him and pulling him to me as tightly as possible.

Warning bells went off.

_Careful. You get carried away_.

It wasn't quite Edward's voice, and then it was gone.

I broke away gasping. I looked up into Jacob's face, his closed eyes.

He opened his eyes and looked down at me.

_Smoldering_

That's what his eyes were doing.

"Um…sorry, I guess I got carried away?"

A warm forehead bumped mine, a husky laugh dusting my blushing cheeks.

"Don't apologize Bells. That was, God, that…" the laugh again and I was unceremoniously scooped up, and up and up into Jacob's arms as he stood and spun me around into a tight hug.

But I could breathe just fine, and I was laughing. Maybe this would be easy.

"Come on now, Bella. I think it's time for a motorcycle refresher course. Do me a favor and try not to end up in the emergency room and ruin my day."

"Jake, you can be a real idiot."

Motorcycling took on different shades when I wasn't trying and hoping to hear Edwards voice the whole time. For one thing, I actually spent a lot less time falling. Secondly, just the wind and the speed was exhilarating by itself. Somehow, without realizing, I'd actually begun to enjoy this crazy, dangerous pastime.

The little kisses and touches with Jake in between felt exhilarating too.

"Wow, that was fun!" I felt almost giddy as Jake loaded the bikes (in that effortless way only he could).

He looked at me oddly

"Bels, you know we've done this before right? For like a couple months? You're weird."

I felt my face heating in embarrassment and regret. I would be honest with Jake, but I couldn't tell him about the odd and possibly insane reasoning behind this hobby that had become 'our thing'.

"I like it," he added, turning to close the back of my truck. "It's cute." My shame melted away and I responded impulsively, hugging Jake from behind, with all the strength I had.

In a way it was too natural to slip in to these romantic touches with Jake, with whom I'd already had such a tactile friendship. It had none of the literally heart stopping awe of touching Edward. But it was a rush in it's own way, and a warm and easy comfort, which tucked in my frayed edges.

Returning to Jacob's house was sobering.

Charlie and Billy sat at the little round dining table looking uncomfortably close to tears, and neither speaking to nor looking at each other.

"Hey dad" I murmured as Jake greeted his father. "Have you eaten?"

"Been helping Sue with the arrangements, didn't get the chance" Charlie mumbled back gruffly. We didn't meet eyes, a classic Bella and Charlie non-emotional moment.

"Maybe I could make something," smiling a little, "Jacob will help me."

"Why don't we make a bunch then. For everyone." Meaning for the pack.

"We'll need to go to the store for that," I replied, remembering Emily's muffins and how fast they'd gone, thinking how much 5 Jacob size appetites might eat.

"Let's start with lunch for just the four of us. Do you have stuff here? We could just make grilled cheese. Then we can go to the store for dinner stuff."

I made the sandwiches and Billy and Charlie ate quietly, exchanging only brief words about what was yet to be done for the funeral at the end of the week and some problem with Leah, locked in her room refusing to come out.

Jacob held my hand under the table and I was surprised by the swooping in my stomach. From his smirk I guessed I was blushing. Idiot. I kicked him under the table. He smiled wider.

We held hands as we walked to the market as well, debating over how many lasagna to make for dinner. I thought 4, Jacob said 8.

"But will they even have enough of what we need for 8? It isn't a huge supermarket."

"The Ateara's own the store and old Quil is an elder, he knows." Jacob replied.

Sure enough the store was much more packed with food than I'd have thought from the outside. Quil's familiar face was absent.

"He's not feeling well lately," Jacob said tensely.

"So you think…?"

"Yeah, any day now."

"Well…at least then he'll know right, and you can be friends?"

"I'd rather it didn't have to be this way though." He squeezed my hand and I squeezed back, feeling that familiar desire to protect him from the world.

I'd written down a list of ingredients for one lasagna, and now we multiplied it all by 8, quickly filling a basket. Lucky that I would have someone to carry the bags.

Jacob was glancing at me guiltily.

"Yes, Jake?"

"Well…you should know, there's been a couple new additions."

"To the pack? Why didn't you tell me? Who?"

"The Clearwaters." He fidgeted uncomfortably and I automatically took his hand.

"Seth? Because of Harry?"

"And…and Leah. The shock, Billy thinks it, the shock, might have triggered the heart attack. And the shock of that triggered Seth. Officially the two of them are locked in their rooms out of grief. Sam has it under control for now though."

"Leah? But I thought it was only boys."

"So did we, there's no record of it ever happening to a girl before."

"Wow. But Sue, she knows?

"Harry was a tribe elder and now Sue will take his place, so she does know."

"Poor Seth and Leah."

"Seth's taking it pretty well, under the circumstances. He already managed to change back and forth once. But Leah…"

"Will they be at dinner?"

"Probably not, not enough control yet. But Sam will take them some. We'll probably eat up at Emily and Sam's place, is that all right?" he looked nervous.

"They don't like me." I guessed.

He tensed, "They like you fine. They just don't know you."

_Vampire girl_ I thought to myself. They wouldn't trust me, not with Jacob.

But then he was lifting me up along with the grocery sacks and I couldn't find it in me to worry as we made our way home.

Several grueling hours in the too small Black family kitchen later, I had 4 lasagnas baked and 4 more waiting and Jacob was sprawled asleep on the couch.

He was too big for it by far and his feet hung over onto the floor.

I suspected he hadn't slept since Harry died, so I let him, feeling light and peaceful, comfortable with the familiar recipe and at home in the Blacks sunny kitchen.

A thunder of feet outside sent Jacob jackknifing up with a silent, dangerous grace.

At once he relaxed and collapsed back down to the couch.

"Idiots."

I struggled with my rioting, panicked, heart as the door banged open and Embry and Jared appeared, purposefully tramping hard enough to shake the house.

"Hi there Bella," Embry grinned, darting his eyes to Jacob as he leaned against the oven "What's cooking, good looking?" Embry waggled his eyebrows. I groaned and blushed.

"Sam sent us to help bring the stuff up, everybody's on their way." Jared said smiling, watching Jacob glare at Embry.

"Hi Embry. Hey Jared." I managed to get out in what I hoped was a not pathetically meek tone.

"Sure guys, we're almost done here, right Bels." He strode across the room and swung an arm around me and I felt my face go red hot.

"Oooooh…What's this!?" cried Embry with apparent enjoyment.

Jared elbowed him.

"You're embarrassing her" my face heated another couple of degrees.

"Oh, Jake's going to be intolerable now, Bella," Embry went on, ignoring Jared.

"Shut up Call." Jacob snapped, eyes smiling.

"Hey, this is the vampire girl, she's tough."

Jake growled and hugged me tightly to him.

Eventually we made our way to Emily's little house with half a cooked dinner for a werewolf pack.

_Would this be the life you wanted for me Edward? _I thought with a twinge of pain

Jacob squeezed my hand and I pushed away thoughts of my painful wound.

And I smiled at him and squeezed back.

Emily's house already seemed full to bursting with people, but it had a lot to do with the fact that most of them were werewolves. Jared and Embry quickly dove back into the fray, shoving up against their "brothers"

Jacob was unfazed though I felt a sudden anxiety.

Reaching into the fray, he seemed to draw up out of nowhere a small copper skinned girl.

"Bella, this is Kim, Jared's girlfriend. Kim, Bella"

My first impression was of a petite girl with a plain face, cheeks too round and a nose too flat and broad for classic beauty. Then she grinned nervously and her smile was incandescent, as if she'd been lit from the inside.

"Nice to meet another im—girlfriend. There aren't enough of us around here. Too much testosterone." She chirped, in a high but pleasant voice, glancing at Jacob as she corrected herself, not wanting to confuse me with Quileute words, I guessed.

He frowned at her at her and she turned a splotchy red.

I elbowed him in the side, as Jared, seeming to sense his girlfriend's distress began stalking over glaring at Jacob.

I smiled encouragingly at Kim,

"It's nice to meet you too"

She smiled again and Jared stopped glaring but still came and put his arm around Kim, nestling her into his side. She smiled brilliantly again, and he looked at her in what appeared to be amazement

And I was inexplicably, brutally reminded of Edward

"_You really shouldn't do that to people," I criticized._

"_It's hardly fair"_

"_Do what?"_

"_Dazzle them like that—she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."_

_He seemed confused_

…

"_I dazzle people?"…"Do I dazzle you"_

"_Frequently," I admitted_

(Twilight 167)

It was like being kicked in the stomach and I couldn't stop myself from gasping quietly at the pain of it.

Every werewolf in the room heard and turned to see if I was in danger.

I knew my face was bright red, could feel my eyes stinging hotly.

It was like my wound had been reopened newly made.

I heard myself mumble to Jacob,

"Uh…the bathroom, where…?"

I fled the room to tend to my once again aching wound, but not before I saw Jacob's stricken face.

In the bathroom alone, I shook, and cried, and desperately held myself together as quietly as possible, struggling to catch my breath. Knowing it wasn't quiet enough, that they would know I was melting down like an idiot in the bathroom, knowing Jacob knew and was hurting along with me.

Would it always be like this?

Hurting me, hurting Jacob

I flushed the toilet hoping to block the werewolf super senses as I sniffled inelegantly and tried to regain control.

But sometimes forgetting Edward, forgetting that blazing love and healing the hole inside of me seemed impossible.

Maybe I would always be broken.

But I had promised to be strong for Jacob, to give him all that I could so that it would be enough.

I needed to be strong, because otherwise life was really empty. Those terrible days when I thought Jacob had given up on me too had been one blow more than I could take.

Clutching my sides I breathed deeply. I splashed cold water on my face to try and clear up the splotchy redness. I am not a pretty crier. I pushed away my pain.

Jacob's hurt expression I held onto.

My Jacob.

To him I would give all I had left to give. So I'd told myself. And I would have to make it be enough.

Returning to the main room was difficult, knowing I'd just had a practically public breakdown, that my eyes were still puffy and red and my nose runny. I found him immediately sitting quietly apart, looking far too old and weary.

He turned, of course, knowing I was there.

My sun, dimmed.

I smiled at him and it felt real, if watery and pathetic. "Sorry," I mouthed.

He opened his arms.

The rest of dinner went smoothly and the warmth of a pack, which was like a big, loud, bickering, loving family, soothed my hurt.

I made tentative conversation with Kim, who seemed to take my temporary insanity in stride, and was eager to be friendly. We turned out to share reading taste, which made conversation less painful. Emily, face seeming less scarred each time I saw her, perhaps only from familiarity, added her own opinion on modern romance novels. It reminded me that for all her mothering aura she was scarcely older than me as she giggled and stage whispered around her hand, teasing Sam.

Of course the most of my time was taken up with Jacob, who was back to his more cheerful self, full of chatter and joking, faking irritation when Embry teased him.

He never let go of my hand, even to eat.

And so before I knew it my crying jag seems long past and Jacob and I were warm and full being loaded up with leftovers and "til tomorrow"s by the group. Having grown up the only child of a single parent, and socially awkward, I'd never known such a feeling as this of large-scale general welcome.

At his car Jacob kissed me breathless, tasting of warmth, lasagna and Jacob, something uniquely him. When he pulled away I was pressed shamelessly against him again, He laughed at me.

The ride home was quiet but restful. My hand, stupid as it seemed, felt cold without Jacob's holding it. He needed both to drive

At my house I leaned over to kiss him goodnight and he looked surprised and gratified. I reached back to push the door open before I got carried away, imagining an angry Charlie catching us making out in the driveway.

Jacob tensed, went absolutely still, for a moment before he began to shake.

"Vampire" he snarled


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga. Recognizable elements of this fanfiction belong properly to Stephanie Meyer.

Author Note: Here's the next chapter! I hope that updates will remain pretty steady. Let me know any suggestions or complaints you have. I can't promise I'll take your advice, there is a plan and trajectory for this story, but I'm not so experienced that I would turn down good advice! On that note, if any of you wonderful readers would like to do me the favor of beta-ing for me, I would be forever grateful. Send me a message!

Ch 3.

_Get out of the car!_

_Don't get out of the car!_

It wasn't Edwards voice screaming in my head this time, but my own mind, seeking to solve an impossible problem. Stay in the car with an angry werewolf on the verge of shifting? Or go outside and possibly face a murderous vampire.

I stayed put. At the same time Jacob seemed to roll out of the driver's side door and then explode.

The car shook

Then absolute silence

A wolf's howl, sounding too close, sure to wake Charlie.

Jacob.

Oh holy crow, Jacob! Fighting a vampire.

I jumped out of the car.

To do what I didn't know but I couldn't leave Jake to fight a monster. A monster I'd brought down on him.

But it was still again, except for the wind, or something like it, rustling in the trees. It seemed so dark

"Jacob!" I hissed, knowing he'd hear, not wanting to wake my possibly still sleeping father. "Jake"

There, something in the trees. A flash of white? Something moving quickly.

Not Jake, but my speeding, beautiful death.

I closed my eyes reflexively. At least it might be quick now.

A dark shape burst from the woods and grabbed the vampire by her red hair and shook.

The hair broke and she went flying off back into the woods. In the distance other wolves howled.

The Jacob-wolf looked between me and the direction Victoria had flown.

Oh, it was Victoria!

Grumbling, or making a wolf-y equivalent to it he paced warily around me.

"Jake?" I whispered, heart pounding, "are you okay? It-it was Victoria again."

A large wet nose brushed my hand. He continued to pace around me

A few interminable moments of silence then a rustling in the trees had me spinning, panicking, reaching for shaggy red-brown fur.

Another werewolf, smaller than Jacob trotted out of the woods and bared its teeth at me. While not exactly encouraging, it seemed to me better than the alternative and I relaxed fractionally. Jacob, stood solidly in front of me and bristled at the other wolf.

The new wolf huffed, or snorted, and looked away.

Jacob licked my hand.

"Oh, ew! Jake!" His head turned as a wolf black as the night galloped out of the trees followed by the others. Sam growled at the smaller wolf and it cringed submissively.

Jake trotted away from me into the forest.

"Jake!" I called in mild distress as I made to follow him. After all, the Jacob wolf seems comforting and familiar, I felt safer with him there. But a grinning wolf, tongue lolling moved into my path, mirroring me when I tried to go around.

I recognized this wolf, I thought.

"Embry!" I whispered, "Where did Jake-"

"It's fine Embry," came Jacob's serious, and not quiet enough voice, "I'm decent."

Jacob walked out of the forest wearing shorts that appeared to be a size or so too small.

I felt my face warm. They seemed revealing even though they were falling past his knee

He grinned briefly, apparently seeing me blush, then went back to looking grim.

"We didn't think she'd be back so soon," he said to me, though clearly also addressing the pack."

"Are you okay Jacob?" he looked and sounded unharmed.

"'M fine, it was you she wanted," he ran a hand through his shorn hair. "Me she just wanted to get out of the way."

I squinted at him, to check the veracity of his words, unable to see anything clearly in the dark.

"It was stupid, with Harry and Leah and Seth and all, and since we'd just chased her off, we didn't have a guard on the house. Leah made it fast because she was already shifted and running in the woods."

The smallest wolf, who'd growled at me curled a lip at Jacob, then growled at me.

"Cut it out Leah, jeez." She didn't like me. I wondered why.

"Look Sam, I'll stay here tonight and keep an eye on things. We'll have to start patrolling again tomorrow, even with everything."

"I'll stay outside," he said sharply, looking at Embry and another wolf who appeared to be grinning at each other. Supposedly he couldn't read their minds right now, but it maybe he'd just gotten to know them too well. I didn't understand though,

"Jake, it's cold, you can stay in my room." Edward certainly had often enough I thought with a twinge.

The Embry wolf coughed and fell over on his side

"Shut up Bels," Jacob sounded embarrassed. "Right, you go inside, I'm going to shift and kill Embry and Jared." I still felt confused and Jacob gave me a pained look.

Stay in my room. Ah. I blushed hard. Then I hugged him impulsively.

"Night Jake"

"Night" he said back, sounding dazed.

"Wait," I said, pulse speeding. "Victoria…Charlie…!"

"He's fine, just sleeping."

Reassured, I went inside, listening as I got ready for bed. I didn't hear any werewolf scuffles. Then again, I supposed I wouldn't.

Were they really good enough to defeat Victoria, who was invincible in my nightmares?

As I turned out the lights, after checking in on Charlie just to reassure myself, I called out the window.

"You know, you really can come in Jake, just to sleep."

Then I went to bed.

I woke up screaming

It was like a dream I'd had once before, when I'd first discovered Edward was a werewolf,

The green wavery light of the forest, the strange echoing quiet. There was Edward. In my dream I could really see him again, his unreal, breathtaking beauty, untouchable beauty. And then there was a huge wolf, a red brown wolf with warm laughing eyes that were so familiar in that animal's face. Jacob. Beautiful in his own earthy way. Around him the light seemed to gather and warm.

But Edward was snarling ferally as I'd only rarely heard. Then Jacob growled back, howled and they leapt toward each other

Time slowed as they collided. Impossible power, blood, teeth tearing at and ripping perfect shining skin. Possible that they would both die. Impossible that both would live.

I loved Edward still. And I knew now that I loved Jacob. But I still loved Edward more, didn't I?

It was a dream, and so I could see hundreds of Jacobs at once. I didn't want him to die. I didn't want either of them to die!

Edward was falling, Jacob was falling.

"NO! No no no no no."

"Bells!" A hissing whispering voice. I was sitting up in bed. Crying loudly, coughing.

"Bella, it's okay! Bella, please!"

"Jake sounded so upset that I stopped crying, or started to, because I was still hiccoughing and leaking in a way that was probably very unattractive.

He rubbed my back as I calmed down until I was sniffling.

"Jake? What are you doing here?" I sniffed. Everyone was still alive

"You invited me, remember"

"You stayed?" I smiled weakly.

"You look funny when you sleep Bels" I laughed weakly, the nightmare fading, the beautiful face of my other love fading. I felt a twinge from my wound

"Charlie?"

"He started to come over here, then sighed and went downstairs. You should probably go let him know you're okay." He seemed regretful, still running his large hand up and down my back

"He's probably all worried again." His hand was warm an alive. His blood had seemed so real.

"Yeah." Jacob sighed and looked down into my eyes. His eyes were intense and I leaned up toward him. Jacob. In my bedroom. This was too much, too fast and I still loved Edward but I was drawn in.

Our lips were barely touching when Charlie called uncertainly up the stairs

"Bella?" I gasped and shied away. Jacob ran a hand through his hair looking embarrassed. "Bella, you up?"

"I should go"

"You should go"

I smiled at him.

"I'll see you later today?"

"Yeah. Might have to meet with the pack to talk more about the attack and hunting Victoria but yeah. Come over whenever." He squeezed my hand

Charlie's feet started thumping up the stairs.

I hugged Jake, and watched as he leapt carelessly out the window.

Without Jake I felt the dream slinking back, painful and horrible.

Helpless in this world of supernatural creatures I loved.

But when Charlie knocked on the door I answered.

"You can come in Dad"

"He peeked his head in."

"Didn't mean to wake you Bell, just…"

"I know. Sorry, just a nightmare."

"Hm. Thought they'd been getting better."

"They are."

There was an awkward pause then Charlie shrugged his shoulders in apology.

"Well, I could make breakfast, if you're hungry,"

"I'll make it. I'm fine, really Dad." I smiled, and it must have been convincing enough because something subtle in Charlie relaxed and he smiled at me.

"Good, good. I'll probably go up to the reservation again, help Billy and Sue with everything." He looked away. "You gonna come along with me?"

"Yeah," I sounded happier even to myself now. "Yeah, I told Jake I'd come by."

"Good," Charlie repeated. "Well, I'll just let you come down when you're ready. No rush."

He clomped steadily downstairs.

About an hour later after a shower, some slightly less careless dressing than usual, my rich brown sweater and some fairly well fitting jeans, well brushed hair, one breakfast of scrambled eggs and awkward conversation with Charlie, and we were on the familiar road to La Push.

"So" Charlie said ominously "You and Jake have been doing good? No more fights?"

"No," I smiled, "Not really."

"He's a good kid you know, Jake."

"He's not a kid Dad, he's not that much younger than me."

"Well you're still a kid to me too Bels. What I mean is, he's a good guy. He cares about you."

"I know." Feeling wary. Charlie seemed to be working up to some kind of "talk"

If it was a sex talk I would jump out of this moving car.

"And you care about him."

"Uh huh"

"Just, that's good I think, you know, to have someone like him in your life." Charlie seemed to back off the topic, to my relief.

"Yeah."

"Well, anyway, looks like it'll be a fair day, maybe you guys can go to the beach a bit no need to get involved in…everything."

"Yeah, that might be fun" Unless we were attacked by a murderous, vampire, with hair that shone like fire on the surface of the water. Had she been stalking me even then, ready to kill me before I could stupidly kill myself?

I needed to warn the pack. Victoria in Forks was terrible. Victoria in La Push seemed somehow exponentially worse.

Charlie parked in front of Jake's house and got out with me. He was picking up Billy before going over to the Clearwater's.

Just like the day before I was greeted by a bounding and exuberant Jacob, a somewhat overwhelming sight for Chalie I could tell. He swung me around and then before I could think, kissed me soundly. In front of Charlie.

In front of Charlie.

Charlie cleared his throat and mumbled something, to which Jake laughed and lifted me once more in a hug.

"Jacob!" I hissed.

"What's up Bells?" he replied smirking. It was like he didn't even care that Charlie was standing right there. I looked exaggeratedly at Charlie, faintly blushing now but possibly holding back a smile.

"Oh well, it seems like he knows now."

"He has a gun Jacob."

Charlie laughed at that and patted Jake on the shoulder

"You two don't get in too much trouble now."

Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to Charlie, Jake and I went straight to business that day, heading up to Emily's (and Sam's?) as soon as he and Billy were gone to Sue's.

It was only around ten in the morning and but the werewolves were all there, yawning around the table and stuffing themselves with yet another huge batch of muffins. To my surprise Kim was there too looking equally sleepy and only picking at her muffin from her perch in Jared's lap. She looked quite tiny sitting there, and I imagined with chagrin that I too must look very puny next to Jacob.

Leah and Seth were there as well, looking worn out and unhappy. Unhappiness seemed unnatural on Seth, but Leah's scowl looked well practiced.

"Great. Why is vampire girl here? I thought we were about killing them, not making out with them." I felt myself go bright red in embarrassment, pain, and annoyance.

Jacob tensed and quivered slightly before retorting angrily.

"Shut up Leah!"

"Jacob, Leah please," Sam cut in not in the voice of command I associated with him but instead in an almost apologetic tone. "Bella is with Jacob. She knows everything, and has encountered the red haired bloodsucker before. She is what it is after."

Leah flushed. "And we're the one's laying our lives down. Why doesn't she just get her blood sucking boyfriend to come back and kill it then?"

Jacob put an arm around my shoulder

Leah sneered at him, "Oh, please. Rebound much? Or did you just wear her down, panting after her like a dog."

His arm tightened painfully as his form shook.

"Jacob!" Sam barked out, sounding like himself. "That is enough Leah."

She fell silent but glared at me once more before taking the nearest chair and looking pointedly away from everyone.

Jacob smoothed a hand over where he'd squeezed my arm.

"All right Bells?"

"I'm fine Jacob. Are you all right?"

Leah made a low noise in her throat and Jacob growled softly.

Embry and Jared looked uncomfortable. Paul appeared to have fallen asleep.

Emily looked mournful and started to go to Leah, who switched the direction of her lethal glare until she backed off again and refreshed the muffin basket.

"Okay listen up." Sam ordered. Jared kicked Paul's chair, and Kim smiled at him.

"We have to start patrolling again. We didn't think she'd be back so soon but we were wrong, and her last attack was the most aggressive yet. The only time we'll break is for the funeral and Bella will be there, so if the redhead comes around at least we'll be with the target."

"We'll run in pairs or groups. Bella you'll stay here with Emily and Kim. Two at a time on the house while the rest of us hunt. Jacob, you and I will take Seth out on the first run."

Seth smiled weakly.

"Jared and Paul head up to Forks and see if you can catch a scent. Embry and Leah you're on the house." Embry glanced concernedly at Leah from the corner of his eye. She had her eyes closed and her head in her hand.

Sam kept talking but I stopped listening and instead thought back on my nightmare, substituting in an enraged and terrifying Victoria. It made me shiver.

Jacob squeezed my hand.

So I spent the remainder of my spring break mostly cooped up in Emily's cozy little cottage, sometimes chatting with her and Kim, often sitting in silence or reading, worrying and waiting.

By the second day Kim expressed the wish to be a werewolf herself and out doing something, instead of just sitting around uselessly. Emily chided her, and Leah, on house guard duty and grabbing a snack (and whose unique position seemed to have prompted Kim's statement) snarled out a sting of profanity.

But I agreed. Being doomed to be the helpless one while supernatural fighters saved your life was wearying and disheartening. Better to be fighting for yourself.

_We can save each other equally_

I remembered saying as much to Edward and squeezed my middle to hold myself together. Without Jacob's ameliorating presence my spells were getting worse again, and sometimes when Jared or Sam came in I couldn't breathe looking at the loving couples.

I wondered how Jake and I looked.

Sometimes I walked on the beach by myself, keeping careful watch for vibrant red out on the surface of the water.

When Jacob returned to Emily's I felt a sweet relief and tenderness and love and I could breathe and stay together.

There were a few more stolen breathless kisses. I overreacted terribly at times, but Jacob only seemed elated and amused

Friday came.

I dressed in my only black dress and stockings and rode in silence with a solemn Charlie.

The funeral was awful, Leah and Seth crying with their mother, while the pack looked on solemnly. Charlie and Billy dabbing at their eyes while trying to remain stoic.

I suppose the service was nice, I was not at all an expert, hadn't been to a funeral since my grandmother's a few years ago. The funeral ended uncomfortably as Leah broke out of her mother's embrace and ran for the forest. Face grimmer than I'd ever seen it Sam took off at a jog after her. Emily watched him go with tears streaming down her face. It seemed as if the whole reservation was there. Harry had been an elder and clearly well loved. I held tight to Charlie and Jacob's hands on either side of me. Two funerals I would not be attending if I had anything at all to do with it.

It was the last official day of spring break.

I spent the rest of the day, and the weekend, quietly with Jacob, Charlie, and Billy.

Going back to school seemed somehow anti-climatic.


End file.
